3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
