I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
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I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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