I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
