i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
