Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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