Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Go christen that room with your naked body.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
