when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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