Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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