We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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