My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
