I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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