So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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