he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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