I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
