I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
