Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He felt like a one man threesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
