I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I love having hate sex.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
