I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
