I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
