I think I died a long time ago.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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