I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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