dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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