bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
