I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
