I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
