You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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