Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
