I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
