Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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