can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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