I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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