Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
