She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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