I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We left an ass print on the piano.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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