if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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