My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
