i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
