I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
