I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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