I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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