The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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