My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
