I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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