dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
