Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
