I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
