her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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