You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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