Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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