just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I touched a dick in church today
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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