Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My feet surprised me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
