Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
