i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
