Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
