EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
