I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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