I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
